| You either make yourself miserable or you make yourself strong... |
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emily.
Drink up baby doll, are you in or are you out? Leave your things behind 'cause it's all going off without you. Excuse me, you're too busy you're writing your tragedy. These mishaps, your bubble-wrap when you've no idea what you're like. So, let go, jump in. Oh well, what you waiting for? It's all right 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
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[Wednesday
May 16th, 2007] |
I alternate between these 2 journals. this sometimes, but more recently this one...
oh_there_is
blah. lifes sooooo boringgggg. i feel like a failure.
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[Monday
February 12th, 2007] |
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frou frou |
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garden state and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
love love love.
Some new stuff has happened recently. Nothing too interesting. Nothing much to write about.
I hate myself when I read old entries. Sometimes I seem like such a whiney little child. I no longer feel the need to complain about life to a stupid internet journal. I'd like to think I've grown.
boys aren't any concern to me anymore. I'm not really sure what concerns me. Life maybe. and happiness. and finding contentment within myself.
the end.
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| my new obsession payed off... |
[Saturday
December 30th, 2006] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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music |
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beyonce. |
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I went to the dentist today. They told me I should be the poster child for good teeth. =] arent you proud? It's because I now am like obsessed with keeping my teeth clean. But it pays off because I have no cavities or anything. Yayaya!! go me!!!
And my mom got in a fight with the neighbor today. Storm got out and ran into their yard to see their dog and she started screaming "theres a stray dog in my yard." madre said to her "dianne, you know it's our dog and I'm coming to get him." and she started yelling "young lady!! theres a leash law. i could have you fined.. blah blah blah" and she yelled a little more about something else. Stupid bitch. Storms just a friendly dog. Mother told her "remember where you came from" (the polite way to call her trailor trash). These are the same neighbors who put dog shit on our front porch.
--- Just thought it was an interesting story to tell. The end.
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| chad <3 |
[Wednesday
December 27th, 2006] |
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"Boom boom boom.. i want you in my room" |
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I ordered a pink glittery Chad Pennington Jersey. I would have rather had green but I ordered pink so whatever. My mom told me it looks ghetto. Oh well. I'm supporting, as Court called it "a fellow crip." haha. I guess i like him cuz he's hurt his shoulder twice and still playing and that's admirable. =]
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[Wednesday
December 27th, 2006] |
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 cold |
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music |
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Tom Petty |
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I feel ugly.
But more importantly, my parents are idiots. My mom never stands up to my dad or for her kids. I think she may have a boyfriend, but then again, why wouldn't she be with him if she did. But I really think she might because it came up in the car and I was asking who he was and blah blah blah and she said "you already know him anyways..." but she could have been joking with me because I'm overly gullable. The point is though, I cannot stand my house or family. I feel bad that my mom is fucking up my sister so badly and doesn't even seem to care. And maybe they feel the same way about me, but I'd like to think I'm not fucked up.
I just feel really ugly. I don't know how to describe it, I know I'm not ugly, but I feel like I'm not good enough for my own standards. I don't know. Blah. Whatever.
The new year = a new start. Change is in the future.
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| christmas. |
[Tuesday
December 26th, 2006] |
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satisfied |
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music |
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keith urban |
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Merry Christmas. Dolphins played the Jets tonight. I rediscovered my love for Chad Pennington. <3 I got a few things which I liked. Mostly money. But it's all good. =] I think I'm going to buy a Chad Pennington jersey. haha
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| christmas eve. |
[Monday
December 25th, 2006] |
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I bought gifts for people today. I used my own money. I'm so nice.
Christmas is tomorrow. I opened one gift early. Earings from Grammy. They're cute. Nothing much else is new. I don't like christmas very much but still, I would never complain.
Mother's letting me have a new year's eve party. Just a small get-together of close friends. That should be fun.
And I got my pets collars, and Jordans has rinestones on it (hes a boy). Blah. Merry Christmas.
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[Tuesday
December 19th, 2006] |
No school for me today because I waived my first period final. So the day was pretty fun. I slept in late, then I went with my sister to some used book store in downtown Hollywood. There were sooooo many crackheads and homeless people roaming the streets. She got me some Dr. Phil book and a book of quotations, but I can't have them til christmas. Then we came home to discover Ike's eye was all messed up and like gauged out so we freaked out and called my Grammy to come over because we didn't know what to do. She came over and was going to take him to the vet but then I know Amanda didn't want to her to pay the bill so we just said we'd watch him and see if it gets any better within the next few days. My Grammy said it just looks like a cold in his eye anyways. And poor Jordon has like this huge cut on his ear, it's like an open wound. My poor kitties are targets of animals abuse as they prowl the streets of Davie, or more like just my neighborhood. Still, I think my drunk asshole nieghbor is tryiing to kill them. Well after that whole ordeal, I watched Oprah and went back to sleep, woke up, ate dinner, then got my sister to take me a few more places in search of Christmas gifts. I got stuff and put together coffee mugs with candies and tea inside for a few of my teachers. I'm such a nice student. And now it's fucking late and I still need to write a paper.
While we were out today though, I decided... I kind of want to be a stripper. Seems like fun. Of course I don't know the realities of it, but still... I kinda want to be a stripper, meet an NFL player, and then be a housewife.
I think for christmas I could use a reality check.
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| chemistry is the devil. |
[Friday
December 15th, 2006] |
ok, just for future reference... i made a different journal i used for a few months, but I just couldn't get rid of this one, and I came crawling back -- I just couldn't let go of all the important entries in here; I just couldn't move on. So just for myself, when I want to find what went on those months I didn't write in here.. my other username is oh_there_is
my point for today? I'm failing chem. This morning I was all freaked out, but then Mr Hitt informed me that I'm still going to pass the class even with my F and even when I fail the midterm. So the the rest of the day I was super happy. Bipolar much? I think so. But I'm trying to keep my grades decent. I'm doing all this extra credit for math. I hate math. Ahhhhh!
I want to start reading more though, books = smartness. Anyone have any recomendations?
Today my sister told me I'm really weird ---- I was meowing in the car. I can't help the fact I speak cat. Meow.
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[Thursday
December 14th, 2006] |
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We got our psat scores today.. I got 1660, but I feel like thats not really that good. Ugh, and I'm so scared that I won't get into college with my shitty gpa. I really don't want to go to BCC. and I know my scores aren't bad, but I'm just scared that I'm just NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
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[Wednesday
December 6th, 2006] |
I still have been using my other journal to write it, but I really just keep coming back to this one because it has so much of my life written in it, I can't just erase it and forget it.
oh look!! its 11:11. but i don't wish much anymore.
so anyway, I turned 16 in November. My friends threw me a party. It was nice. I don't get my licence til September 1st though, because that's when I got my permit.
For thanksgivng we went to tampa. visited with the family there and went to the salvador dali art museum, my sister wanted to go. pretty weird shit.
Amanda and I are helping the Margate Middle cheerleaders and getting service hours.
And that's about all that's new. No new boys or anything. No new drama. Just the same old boring stuff.
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[Tuesday
October 17th, 2006] |
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the fray |
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Oh yeah, I forgot to say... this week is spirit week. My big sis for exchangettes is Rachel. She wen easy on me today and was nice, and I didn't look that messed up.
But another thing I wanted to write about... My mom and I were in the car talking about when i dislocated my shoulder and they gave me a shot of painkillers and when the doctors were popping my shoulder back in I was all drugged up and I said "you're pulling me apart like I'm a Barbie, but I'm not as thin." And my mom goes "even back then you were worrying about your weight." I think I will always worry about it. Always. And I was talking to my mom about my sister. We were talking about all her problems and how she is really depressed and unhappy. And then my mom said to me "she was doing things like you were doing.. blah blah blah.. don't try to deny it" and of course I said "I wasn't." and she's just like "don't deny it, let me see..." and it's probably the most uncomfortable conversation I've had in a while. But it really sucks when you make a mistake, something you regret, because then people never really look at you the same way.
So in some ways, I want my old self back, the more depressed unhappy self, and I'm not sure why I want it back. It doesn't make much sense to me. But I have matured a lot, and I can't make retarded decisions the way I used to. I guess it's a good thing, but I still feel cheated. Like I never really accomplished what I wanted. And until I do, I'm not sure I will ever really feel content.
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[Tuesday
October 17th, 2006] |
I'm back I'm back I'm back!! Well, I was never actually gone. I made a new journal which I've been using for the past few months.. username: oh_there_is but today I decided I would venture on back to my old journal, because well, I feel like so much of my past has been writter in here, I needed to come back to it. I can't just forget my past.
So... sophomore year so far has been pretty fun. This Saturday is Homecomming. I'm excited!!
And I've got some ideas, and plans, and thoughts, but for now, theyre going to be kept a secret, because I need to work on my secret keeping skills.
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| "can't sell your soul for piece of mind..." |
[Tuesday
July 18th, 2006] |
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tom petty |
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I was in a chat with people from I went to school with from preschool til first grade. I asked them what I was like...
BRoKeNsMiLeS157: does anyone remember what i was like? was i weird?
BRoKeNsMiLeS157: cuz i dont remember what i was like.. i want to know.
Di Notte I: yeah you were the wierd kid in the corner on Crack
iTS TAY L0W Y0: ehh sometimes. you seemed so sad all the time haha
BRoKeNsMiLeS157: really?
DaNcErOxMySoX903: i thought you seemed nice.
Di Notte I: you were nice
iTS TAY L0W Y0: yeah but i liked talking to you i alway wanted to make u feel better
SugargliderT: i didnt associate with u
Di Notte I: and one time you messured the time of nap time w/ your hands
I guess I've always been sad. I can't help but feel like deep down, something is missing.
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| "not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these..." |
[Sunday
July 16th, 2006] |
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 lonely |
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Jewel |
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All I want to do is cry... crawl into bed and cry. What happened to my amazing summer? My friends are out of town, and I've had too much time to myself to think about life. I have no idea how I am expected to get through the next 3 years I have ahaead of me. All I want is something I can't have, so what do I really have to keep me going? Nothing. Hope I guess, but it's very hard to stay hopeful. I just need to be sad for a while.
This all comes down to one thing. I don't know what to do. It's hard.
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| "so let me help you remember, i've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear..." |
[Saturday
July 15th, 2006] |
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the postal service |
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Tonight I baught, well my mom baught for me, a pair of jeans. They were $100 and they don't fit. Insane? No, not really. I will make them fit. I just gotta lose weight. Mi madre says I have 2 weeks or she's returning them. So two weeks it is. I guess I gotta be like how I was last summer and just barely eat. This shall be fun... not.
But okay, it is so hard for me to focus on anything. All I really want is just to fall in love and live happily ever after. "Behind every great love is a great story." - isnt that a line from the notebook? hopefully in the end, there will be a good story here. I guess I just have to live and stop thinking about what I can't have. What helps me is reminding myself that "life doesn't stop for anyone" I don't remember where I heard that, but I just have to keep living.
Earlier today my mom was saying how Shannon seems like she's about to become one of those wild party chicks, and then my sister was saying how I'm not like that and how i'm a loser and blah blah blah. It's so funny that they think shannons the boy crazy one and i'm all innocent. IF THEY ONLY KNEW. thats all i can say.
blah. why can't I just forget him? it would be sooo much easier.
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| "it's not a change of taste, I was the one there last night..." |
[Saturday
July 15th, 2006] |
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music |
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blink 182 |
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The weirdest thing happened last night. While I was sitting at my brothers football practice with my mom, we see my disgusting ex boyfriend walking up. I haven't seen him since we were going out but Alexandra and Shannon and I were being immature and prank calling him like a week ago. Anyways... his girlfriend happened to be the girl sitting right next to us, so I got the keys and went and sat in the car because umm... ew! If you don't remember correctly, I hate him and think he's the most disgusting, annoying, repulsive guy on the face of the earth. His girlfriend is fat and real ugly. They belong together. I hope they're happy and get married. Ugly people belong together.
Now, as for anything else that's new.. well, nothing else is new. Both Alexandra and Shannon aren't in town. I'm bored.
I can not wait to be in college. Seriously. I can't wait. High school is sooo boring and I'm not looking forward to going back.
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| "I'll keep my eyes patiently focussed on you..." |
[Friday
July 14th, 2006] |
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numb |
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blink 182 |
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This time, it's different. It always kept going back to this, and again, it has gone back to it. And there are soo many things I just don't want to feel. What KILLS me is, I'm feeling "head over heals, i could be with that person forever" and I don't think the feelings are returned. Not that it's impossible, it just can't happen now and I know that. I understand that nothing can happen now. But I can't help but feel sad when I know I have found everything I'll ever want and I have to wait years to have it. Yes, years. I'd like to just press fast forward on life.
I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do. I need something to just make my feelings stop.
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| "i love tom.... no need for a thought out subject." |
[Thursday
July 13th, 2006] |
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omg omg omg!!! the angels and airwaves concert was AMAZING. TOM IS SOOOO SEXY!!! it was a lot of fun. Alexandra and I crowd surfed. Then we met the guy who lifted us up. and so we hung out with him while taking back sunday was on. he was pretty nice. He has a lip ring, and i kissed him, and it was hot. lol...
but anyways, tom is soooo sexy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and _____ came back into the picture again today. He always comes back into the picture.
oh, and alexandra says i'm a whore.
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| "the waiting is the hardest part..." |
[Sunday
July 9th, 2006] |
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Tom Petty |
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Haven't updated in a while. I wasn't home much all week. I was at Shans two nights, then Alexandras, then shans again, now alexandras here. Nothing much new has happened. We've just been chilling and doing nothing all week.
Today alexandra and I got job applications for Mcdonalds. I hope they hire us, it would be so funny to work there.
And also, yesterday we told my mom about all the drama, well we told her some of it, not anything involving me though. But yeah, she agreed that _____ is a retard. And I guess I just have to wait. It's sooo hard to wait though, I'm bad at waiting. But that's all I can do and I have to face it.
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